Dane Cook - Retaliation - Disk 1 - LYRICS
by: Catatonicloki

Dane Cook - Retaliation (Disk 1)

YES!...Yes..yes..yes. Yes..Yes..Y-E-S. Yes.
We are going to have a relationship tonight.
I'm gonna go out with you. We're gunna date for a while.
We're gonna make sweet, sweet comedy love with each other.
And then suddenly without warning I'm not even gunna call you guys
anymore. The last thing you will have heard me say was,
"hey, i'll call you guys later" and I never call.
But you hear from the grapevine, I'm dating a younger, sexier crowd.
And then I'm really happy, but I'm not happy cuz I think about you guys.
And about a year from now, I'm gonna call weeping in the middle
of the night, "(sniff)you were the best crowd I ever had...(sniff)
you really listened to me...and I didnt know the crowd I had til you
despersed." Then we're gonna get together, were gonna hang out,
and maybe we'll all like, ya know, run around town and smash windows
and cause destruction. And I'll make jokes and one of you guys will turn
and be like, "Haha, Dane your a riot!" and I'll go,
"IM A RIOT? YOUR A FUCKING RIOT!"
GET IT?
Thats how things are gonna go down tonight!




Three weeks ago one of my dreams came true.
I finally got to see something I've always wanted to witness live.
I finally saw someone get hit by a car.
Nailed, this guy got hit right in the hip.
That's your center of gravity and that sends you flipping through the air
like Eddie Gordo from Tekken when someone doesn't know
how to do combos and they're just hitting the buttons randomly.

I always just miss it, right?
I'm looking, and then I go to order my twisty cone.
*Collision noise*
Oh what, what happened?!
The guy got hit? No.
I just went to order my twisty cone and I missed it.

This guy gets nailed.. this is the setup.
He's walking down the street and he's doing that whacky speed walk...
he's got the buds in his ears, and I don't know what you're listening to
that makes you do this fucking walk.
Maybe just a tambourine or maracas.
You're just.. *shookashookashookashooka*.
So Johnny Tambourine is walking down the street,
he's got the "not a good time to cross" signal.
As he's going across, I see the car *car noise* coming down the street.
When I see the car coming, I'm like...
"Yesssss finally. don't talk to me. don't talk to me I gotta see this."
*collision noise*

The guy goes flying into the air, his shoes flew off.
When you get hit by a car, sometimes your shoes will fly off.
Sometimes your pants will come off.
But I was not fortunate enough to see the pants portion on this strike.

And before I go any further, here's the best part.
This is how he lands on the other side of the car
which was a dodge by the way,
and I thought that was kind of funny and ironic.
I just -- I got a little humor out of that.
I did try to help this man.
as the car was coming towards him I reached out and I said,
"ohhhhh. ohhhhh."
That's all I could think of to say.
Theres so many things now in retrospect that I would love
I would love to have been like "you're about to get struck by a vehicle!!!"
I did not have time to say "You're about to get struck by a vehicle"
so I went with "ohhhhh!" which is like a concerned moan.

The guy gets tagged okay, the greatest part of the story.
He's in the air flipping around,
this is how he lands on the other side of the car.
He comes down perfectly on his feet and then he jumps in the air
and he starts walking around, embarassed.
He's trying to play it off like he didn't just get hit, by a car.

People around him are like...

--"Oh my god! Oh my god! Are you alright? Are you okay?"
He's like ...
--"I'm fine, I'm fine. Seriously, I'm fine. I'm a little bit hungry.
But uh other than that I'm fi-"
--"No you should really sit down, you're bleeding from the ears."
--"I know, I know that. I do that.
Every couple of weeks I empty the blood out of my own head,
it's tradition in my family. Has anyone seen my shoes?
I kicked them off in a fit of joy.
I love getting struck by vehicles and sometimes
I'll kick my shoes off in a fit of joy.
I'm fine I'm just gonna go over here and puke shards of my own
pelvis into this bush."
*puking noises*




We laugh, but we love violence in this country we like violence.
We have those little violent tendencies.
Im not the only person,
I know your like me when you see somebody walking down the street
Wearing a Superman T-shirt, you just wanna shoot them in the chest.
And when they start to bleed go, "I guess not."
Dont wear the shirt. Wear a shirt that says,
"I bleed if you shoot me in the chest plate".
And i will not shoot you in the chest plate.
Superbleeder. Hahaha, I called him Superbleeder.




There are some things I have learned in my recent past
that I�m excited to share with you tonight,
and one thing I�ve realized is that we all want to leave behind a legacy;
we all want to be remembered for something.
And then I was thinking going, �How can I be remembered?�
and then I suddenly realized you can do it on a daily bases,
even if it�s one on one with people.
For example, the other day, I saw a young boy,
and he was eating an ice cream cone,
I ran up and I smashed it into his face,
I leaned in, I go, �You remember me forever!� and I ran away.
Cause you know when he�s 50, he�s gonna be like,
�One day a man ran up to me, I did not know this man,
he smashed my treat into my eyes. And he pointed and said,
"You fuckin remember me forever."�
But I did not say fuckin, I did not say that.
He added fuckin to make the story more intense and interesting.
He deserves to have ice cream smashed in his face,
cause he�s a lying 50 year old man. I did NOT say fuckin.
He deserves Ice cream Ice cream smashed in and around his eyes.




Here�s another way to be remembered, again, this one is more personal,
it�s more for you because nobody is ever going to know that it was you...
but you�ll know, and that�s all that matters.
Next time you go to a party, a great big party,
go into the room where all the coats are, and shit on the coats...
Guaranteed at some point somebody is going to walk outta that room
and go,
�SOMEONE SHIT ON THE COATS�. SOMEONE HAS SHIT ON THE COATS�
That�s the only thing you can say when someone shits on the coats,
�Someone shit on the coats.� They might say,
�I think someone shit on the coats", but you know�
You just don�t want to be the bearer of bad news,
�I think someone may have shit on or around the coats area,
there�s a smell of shit around the perimeter, the vicinity of coats.
Leading me to believe that someone has shit...�
But again you�re there, you�re there watching it all happen,
and it�s your job, all you�re going to do at some point,
you�re going to lean in and go, �What!?!�
And then blend back into the crowd...
�What?! I hope that it wasn�t on my coat.�
And then, boom, you�re a phantom, you just disappear, disappear.




One thing that I've always wanted to do ever since I was little,
I've always wanted to be abducted by a UFO.
Yeah sometimes, I just go hang out in the woods.
Im just waiting for that blue light (UFO noise) AHHHHHH.
Thats how they suck you up, by a beam of light.
They suck you up by your chest. and thats not nessecary,
through a rope ladder down, I'll climb up.
I'm interested, I'm here for you.
Don't suck me up by my chest, that hurts.
ou're a hovering craft,
why wouldnt I come in and poke around for a minute.

It would be great to be abducted, what did you guys do this weekend?
Dude we got hammered, it was awesome.
Oh yeah, I was abducted. I was zippin around the galaxy. haha.

Sometimes if I think about, if UFO's come down,
I get a little concerned because then I thought this scenario,
this would be the altimate, full circle, slap in the face of the united states.
What if this happens, because look, we're the greatest country on earth,
but we get a little cocky from time to time...
if we don't like the way your country is doin its business,
we'll kick the door in, (door noise)

Hey, hey, knock it off, you're buggin the world, cut it out.
And if you don't listen to us, well through all kinds of weapons
and crazy shit at 'cha...
which we always apologize about using 20 or 30 years later,
listen we're really sorry about that, we were a little drunk at the time,
and we got a little rambunchous. the bomb,
we didnt know it was gonna do that.
we thought it was a contained blast and we didnt know
it would make everything blow into smitherines...
and you were being kinda a bitch, country, country,
you were being kinda a bitch.
Are we cool now? Do you mind if we leave 3/4 thousand toops and
maybe some supplies here,
you dont mind that do ya? DO YA MIND???
You wouldnt want us to get drunk again would ya!?
High five us, photo op, (CHING)

We get a little ha, we get a little cocky, what if this happens, oh my god,
what if this happens.
what if the mother ship, (booooooom) comes over middle america,
and we're all sitting watching tv,
all the news crews are focus'd in and were sitting there watching,
what if when the hatches finally open (chaaaaa)
outta the UFO's come thousands of 100 foot native american indians?!

We're gonna be watching like.. FUCK those are huge indians.
Please tell me there not giant indians, god damnit there huge indians,
alright good game america, we had some fun huh?

Hi giant indians, we did some shit...and...uhhhh....ah aha ha.
.....could you show us how to make giant corn!!??





I've always wanted to uh.. upper cut a punkass.
And send him flying onto a table, preferably with a cake or a
bowl of punch on it.
And then it would break, and this would take place at a party, dance,
ghalla event.

This is a direct quote that I want to recieve someday from someone.
And I want them to mean it, when they say this.
And I dont know what it is yet, but I want this reaction,
"Are You Out of Your Fucking Mind?!"
And then I want to do whatever the action is,
and then I want them to follow that up by saying,
"You Really Are Out of your Fucking Mind!!"
Maybe shove some fireworks in my pants,
"Hey Hey Are you out of your fucking mind?"
Shhh, *firework noises*
"You Really Are out of yuor fucking mind! Oh, he just let fireworks off
in his pants, he really is out of his fucking mind!."
That would be great




This is another one too. and I know ur like me

I HATE it when somebody turns around in my driveway.

Your just sitting comfortanly watching tv. You hear a car pu-. "wha-. who is this?" hhehh. It's so dissruptive you look out, strange car, you don't know if its a government official-you start getting concerned. WHAT I don't know this car! Then they turn to leave and your like,

YOU SON OF A BITCH! You wasted moments of my life! moments I will never get back!

Ah. someday I'm gonna run out to that car before they leave- knock on the window,make em' roll it down and go. "You ever turn around in my driveway again. I'll cut ur fuckin head off!." "I'm gonna put your head on my intenna. and drive around. with your head, on my intenna."

And hopefully, I'll get a two-fer and the person will go "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKIN MIND!" then ill pull out a switch blade and they go. " YOU REALLY ARE OUT OF YOUR FUCKIN MIND!" . and I go "ZANGZADAN!"

(Applause)

I hope they never come back and try to turn around in that driveway again. Cuz then I'll be in the window like. DAMNITT. NOW I GOTTA CUT THIS GUYS HEAD OFF!




The rest will be up soon





Track listing
DISC 1:
1. Intro/Riot
2. Struck By A Vehicle
3. Superbleeder
4. Legacy
5. Someone S#!t On The Coats
6. Abducted
7. Punkass / Are You Out Of Your F##+in' Mind?
8. Driveway Intruder
9. Car Alarm
10. Heist / House
11. Bamf
12. Dream House
13. At The Wall
14. Chicken Sangwich The Heckler And The Kabbash, The