Dane Cook - Retaliation - Disk 2 - LYRICS
by: Catatonicloki

Dane Cook - Retaliation (Disk 2)

By a round of applause, How do you feel?
*cannot decipher* for Dane Cook!
What's happenin'?
Sit, everybody sit. We have to make sure we're okay.
Don't want anyone to get hurt before the Dane Train's in motion.
Gonna be back, let me stretch.




The other day, I don't know if you've ever gotten this, it was about 2:30
in the afternoon. I got the itchy-est asshole I've ever gotten on record.
And I keep a record of my itchy assholes. May 14, 1985, I had a very itchy
asshole. This one ousted it, GET OUTA HERE!...old itchy asshole. Oh it's the
worst isn't it? Agh you just feel..usually your at work or some place that you
can't focus on it. You gotta do some other activities, right. The entire day
you try to bounce around. Try to shake it out.




I wish I had some superpowers. I was thinking about that the other day.
Maybe quit comedy, fight some crime. Everybody wants to fly. That's the
number one power. If I could grant you a power, "Dane, I'd love to fly."
Yeah? Who the fuck doesn't. Who doesn't want to leave the show tonight
and be like, "Alright I'll catch you guys later." *Shwwooosh* and zip up into
the skies. "I can show you the world. Shining, shimmering splendor."

I'd love to shoot a laser out of my cock. And when I'm empty my balls glow.
Low fuel. Balls are empty.

You know what I'd like to be able to do more than anything else? I'd love to
be able to shoot spaghetti out of my fingertips. *Pppthhh.* 'Cause no one
wants to be covered in spaghetti. No. If I'm on a date with a girl and she's
very rude I'll be like, you know what? *PPpptthhh* Enjoy your spaghetti
you're very rude. Enjoy your spaghetti, 'cause you're rude. *Pppttthh*

These are all dreams. These are all things we want to have.
(To man in audience) If I could grant you a power, any power, what would
you want? Anything right now? "Dah, Jesus." You want to be Jesus? God
you're such an egotistical prick. He thinks he's Jesus. Ah, Jesus. I'd love to
cover him with spaghetti right now. *Ppppttthh* Enjoy your spaghetti,
you're very egotistical.

Ahhh, Christ. *pause* (to man in audience) Not you.




So I'm hangin' out with all of my buddies, and uh, I realize something,
I realize something. Think of the group of people you've known
the longest in your life. Think of the group of friends you've hung out
with the most, maybe you're all here tonight.
And this is what I realized, I had an epiphany, and here it is, right here:
There is one person, in every group of friends, that nobody fucking likes.
You basically keep them there, to hate their guts.
When that person is not around the rest of your little base camp,
your hobby, is cutting that person down.

Example: "Karen, is always a douchebag."

Every group has a Karen and she is always a bag of douche.
And when she's not around, you just look at each other and say,
"God, Karen, she's such a douchebag!".
Until she walks up, then you're like,

"Hey, what's up Kar-? Kar-. What's up Kar-?"

There's always that one person - and I'm lookin' out and some of guys
are like "Umm, I disagree."
Well you're the person - You're the person nobody likes.

[Person from audience mumbles] "That's so true."

I know, it is so true, and that's why it's funny.
It is so true, that's why it's funny, because, it's so true, hence, funny.
Your whole life that person has been there.
That's how Brian is in our group. Nobody likes Brian.
Yet everywhere we go, Brian would show up,
even if we didn't tell him where we were going.
We would go someplace and he would do that I Just Found You run.
"H-h-h-h-hi guys. What's up guys?"
And one of us would always see him and warn the rest of the group.
We'd be like,

"Fucking Brian is coming."
"What?"
[whispered] "Fucking Brian is coming."

That's his name, Fucking Brian Is Coming.
I heard a rumor, when he was born, even the doctor said,
"Fucking Brian is coming. Let's get this demon seed out of here."
That's what I'm saying - quote, unquote.
And you can quote me on the quote, unquote.




Weve always had creepy people around; somewhere in your life theres
a creepy individual, and it starts off when we're youngins.
When we're youngins theres a creepy person.
Back in school.. back in the day... which, by the way,
I dont know if you know this, was a Wednesday.
Thats a little fun fact.
Yeah, when you refer to back in the day, it was a Wednesday.
Take that home, chew it.. its delicious.
Back when we were little tots there was always that one kid in school,
that kid in class, smelt like piss. ..Right?
Robby was his name.. Robby or Obby.
He was an Obby name... And Obby didnt just smell like a hint of piss.
He didn't smell like a smidgen of piss.
That kid smelt like he was dipped in a vat of piss.
Like he woke up that morning and said, �Woah, bring on the piss!�.
And someone brought on the piss.
I don�t know who would bring piss on, but you can pretty much
hire anybody on Google these days ta...
Just type in piss painters or something and im sure somebody would
come over and coat you down, put a sheet of piss on ya for a reasonable
price. .. He would steal from the class.
He was a FUCKIN THEIF. A FUCKING, STEALING, THEIF.
He would use his piss vapor as a way to detour you from watching
him STEAL SHIT from the class.. cause hes a theif, a klepto thief Obby...
He would always take my favorite markers, those smelly markers.
Remember those? The teacher would put them out, everybody would freak.
Give me the red one! Give me the red one! (snuhh haha snuhhhh)
This smells like cherries. (Snuhh) I guarantee you this, its like cherries,
but it�s a marker. (Snuhh) Give me the brown one; ill trade you.
Give me the.. (snuhh).. cinnamon! This ones cinnamon.
The brown is cinnamon (snuhh). How do they do this? How do they do this?
But the black one always smelled like an asshole, didn�t it?
Youd grab the black one (snuhh) - What is that? (snuhh)
It�s a bag of asses. (snuhh) Im keepin this, this ones mine. (snuhh)
I cant stop guys, I cant! (snuhh) I just saw Jesus�s eyes.
This marker has shown me Jesus�s eyes!...
And even though this marker smelt like an asshole,
and you just saw Jesus�s eyes...
there was still a kid following you around � Can I smell it? Can I smell?
What does it smell.. I didn�t get uhh.. Can I just uh.. Uhhh�
Can I smell Uhhhh..
And finally he would aggravate you till you were like � Here, fine, smell it!
And when he leaned in you would be like � Arrrggggg!
Hahaha, nice face! Im gonna puke blood, what are you?
WHAT ARE YOU? Arrg..




The rest will be up soon.